The Past

I keep trying to forget about the past but it's not all that easy to get it to just go away.

Sometimes I catch myself missing old inside jokes with my friends. Some days I just want to go exploring again with you. Some nights I find myself still missing random late night car rides with the bass up. Some times I really just miss the days when we would all go hang out at the park and swim in the lake. Some nights I really miss movie nights with my friends. Some days I wish I could go back to playing tag at recess again.

Then there are other thoughts..
Sometimes I remember stupid choices I made...wishing that mistake could be erased but it keeps reappearing. Some days I wake up hoping for things to be like they use to be then reality sets in. Some nights I wake up shaken and bothered and not even entirely sure why. Some days I carry my broken heart on my sleeve and the scars of life show. Some nights I fall asleep crying everything just taking its toll on me.

Then at times I find strength and encouragement....
I remember the times in the past when I had my best friend supporting me. I remember that during those mistakes and problems I wasn't totally alone. Some days the sun seems a little bit brighter and life a little more bearable.

But in reality nothing changes...the past doesn't go away.

I may not live in the past anymore but it's attached to me I can't seem to get rid of it. Oh the things it messes up.
I lost the one person I always had in my life and always wanted. He didn't believe. Life weighs a person down and they hit low points and sometimes can't shake it all off.

 The past should be a lesson but it can be so painful and so strong little progress is made from it.
No one ever said life would be easy....but I just wish the past would go away and reminders would vanish with it too.....
 

Reality Changes

You don't see how much I'm hurting. You can't see past your reasoning and your stands. You ignore the fact that I am an adult and I have my own reasons, views, and opinions. I am sorry you are not willing to see fault in your own self and I am equally sorry you will not recognize me as my own person.
I'm not a little kid anymore! I am capable of making my own choices and spending my time doing what I love and being around who I want to be around. I'm sorry if this is too much for you to handle but it is reality whether we all like it or not.

Life...decisions...

You eventually reach a point in your life where decisions continue to come flying at you. College is baring down on me. Pulling up my GPA points just a little bit more. Spring sports and AP classes. Graduation party plans. Trying to enjoy the rest of my senior year. Then there are those few things that in several years will still matter to me.

Life is challenging, disheartening, stressful, and over complicated. It isn't fair it isn't easy. But finding those people to go through life with that make it a little more worth living those are the moments I hold on to. Because when the crazy decisions hit you left and right having someone there anyone there makes all the difference in the world!

The boy and the girl

There was this boy who met a girl one day while playing tag with her and friends. The two became good friends and grew up together. They use to talk after school since they were in different grades and were so excited when they got to spend time together.

Every elementary concert they would try and get a picture together. When the boy had a part in the elementary program he almost missed his line because he was looking back at the girl who was smiling at him and giving him a thumbs up. She always smiled so big so proud of him.

Middle school came faster than either of them expected it to. The gap in age instead of increasing  seemed to shrink and they continued to become closer. They looked forward to lake days and spirit days when they could spend time together. Lunch was their time to catch up about life and complain about the teachers and homework. Every day at lunch he would come and join her and all of her friends. They use to get annoyed at the 'little sevey' eating lunch with the big bad eighth graders. She made sure he always had a seat next to her.

When the girls heart got broke for the first few times by boyfriends she thought she knew and liked he was always there. The boy always came to her and made her laugh. She loved him but knew they weren't really ready to date yet. When he looked at her sad and crying he knew he would always be there, and she knew it too.

One night the girl found out the boy wanted to ask her out. She panicked because she knew they weren't ready yet and she wanted this relationship to be the one that lasted. She avoided it but it never lessened their friendship. He became one of the very few she trusted and always wanted in her life.

When the girl moved on to high school she was worried that their friendship might lessen. The boy however made sure that would never happen. Every day after school the boy would make his way down the high school hallway to come find the girl at her locker. She looked for him every day and he always came. She looked forward to his hugs because they were the one consistent thing in her freshman year when everything else was upside down.

When the girl faced silly drama and was upset and friends came and went the boy stayed. The boy would call and talk to her every night. He use to tell her even if all her other friends left she would never be friendless because no one could make him leave. He kept her spirits up during the hard times and she could never explain how much it meant to her. She denied the chances of liking him terrified to lose his friendship and still he stayed there.

When the boy finished middle school he left her school and they barely got to see each other. The girl missed him so bad, she found herself looking down the hallway for him those first few weeks of sophomore year waiting for her daily hug. It was weird not looking for him in the hallways and she missed him more than she let others know. They stayed connected but life began to push them apart. The girl missed him and once again thought about how good they could be together but knew they still weren't ready.

The boy had many girlfriends and flings, or so it sometimes seemed, and enjoyed his time at the other school. He became very smart, strong, athletic, and funny. His personality was like a magnet and she figured his long time crush on her would end. Then those moments when he would come visit he would come looking for her. Every time her heart began to beat faster she knew that there was still something very special between them.

At her sixteenth birthday party, she walked in to a surprise party and he was there. She hadn't seen him in so long she was so happy to have him there. He joined in with one of her other friends to carry her over to her birthday cake and swing her as he did. They were laughing like always he always made things more interesting.

He was always in her life, he never left. Then her junior year of high school came and his sophomore year. She still missed him being at school and wondered how he was. Homecoming came and he tried to ask her, she shut him down, she knew it still wasn't time. Inwardly she regretted it because she knew that if she were truthful she wanted to go with him.

At the homecoming dance he found her like he always did. They took pictures together because she never wanted to forget anything when it came to him. They danced together and even though she was about to be in a different relationship she couldn't deny how fast her heart beat as she smiled and danced with him. He was a jokester still, but she felt he was her jokester.

He told her at one point that he still liked her. He said she would always have a special spot in his heart that no one could ever take. She wanted to tell him that he better never give that spot away because it is hers. But she didn't she told him they weren't going to date that she loved the friendship, she knew it still wasn't time.

The girl's birthday was coming up quickly and she was super busy in the spring. One day at a practice the boys' head appeared in the doorway and she jumped up and ran out to see him. He picked her up into a huge hug and she held on tight with her feet dangling above the ground. The boy had gotten so tall and was cute as ever. His smile truly could brighten her day and she felt that same happy thrill talking to him. She invited him to her party and he came.

The boy disapproved of the guy the girl was with. She told him that this time she thought she was right, the girl knew that this subject could hurt the boy and she hated risking hurting him. She also knew though that the boy still liked her, she couldn't see them dating yet she knew they still needed to wait. The girl was happy with her boyfriend for many months, but the boy wouldn't really talk to her at all during the time. The boy knew that the boyfriend wasn't the right guy for the girl. The boyfriend saw the boy as a threat. The boyfriend was smart because even if the girl never admitted it she had given the boy her heart back in early elementary school as he had given her his...back playing tag on the playground. For years they had been chasing each other around still.

The boy called one day and said he was coming by her house. The girl didn't know why and knew her boyfriend wouldn't like it. But the boy said he was coming he had to tell her something, she was nervous it had been a long time since she had seen the boy. The boy came to her house in his new car, the girl found herself looking into the eyes of the boy who had been there her whole life. She tried to figure out where all the years had went, how could he possibly be 16 and her 17 it was shocking. The boy smiled on her porch and told her excitedly that he was coming back to their school! He would be there at school with her for her senior year! The girl was so excited and gave him a huge hug and they both held on tightly to each other. The girl felt a tug on her heart and she reminded herself that no now was not the time to tell him.

The boy and the girl both ended up going to a birthday party for a friend and sat together catching up and talking in the beginning of the school year. They were smashed in a booth together and the conversation turned to 'friend zoning'. The girl felt the tension in the air because the boy was sure that is what the girl had done to him. The girl was still with her boyfriend and couldn't tell him that he meant so much more to her then just a best friend or 'brother'...that a time would come when hopefully it was all clear...friend zoning really wasn't the plan.

They went out with friends afterwards. The boy was happy to spend time with the girl, they hadn't done anything together in so long. The boy spent the time teasing and tickling her the girl had so much fun more fun then she had in a very long time. The girls boyfriend felt a bit jealous at that but the girl refused to lose the boy in her life...she knew deep down it was still going to be him.

Then a couple months later the boyfriend broke up with the girl. She was so hurt and upset by the whole thing. The girl wanted her best friend she wanted to call up the boy and tell him that once again he had been right about her making a mistake in the relationship realm. The girl was worried about how he would respond, the boy seemed to have distanced himself from her. It hurt the girl and she had cried over the fear of having lost the boy and their friendship.

The girl went to a school event that night hoping the boy would be going too. She was talking to some friends wiping away the tears that were still falling. When the girl looked up and saw the boy walking in with his group of friends. The girl jumped up from her seat and ran over to the boy. She threw herself in his arms and buried her head against his chest and cried as the boy held her close knowing she needed him.

The boy made the night so much fun for her. The boy ended up winning chocolate and he shared it with her. The girl felt happier having the boy there with her, but she knew now would make it a rebound and he deserved so much more then that so she didn't say anything to him.

The girl and the boy began hanging out again. They went to movies together and the boy would hold her hand in the movies. It made her nervous because she was unsure if it was time to tell him yet. She didn't want the boy to think she wanted to treat him as a rebound. The girl was holding on to a lot of baggage from her past now, and she wanted to tell him but she was being selfish holding it back as to not risk losing him. She wanted the right time to finally lay everything out and be completely transparent with him. They went on adventures together, and some of her favorite memories were made on those nights. Doing doughnuts in his jeep, exploring different cities, going to dinner and seeing random movies together.

The girl would steal glances over at the boy, as he was driving, seeing his smile that had always been there throughout her whole life. She felt her heart beginning to swell even more whenever he told a joke or started singing along to the music they had blasting. The girl saw him now as the boy she was close to telling the truth to.

Then the boy's attitude changed. He became unhappy with some of the guy friends the girl was spending time with. She reassured him they were only friends that was it. But the boy began to not talk to her again figuring she would once again not listen to him and get in a bad relationship again. The girl tried not to cry tried to ignore the fact that he barely acknowledged her at school. When homecoming came around the girl wanted to go with him so badly but he didn't ask her...then the girl wanted to dance with him so badly at her senior homecoming...but they didn't get to.

Then prom came deep down the girl wanted to go with the boy. She wasn't sure how to tell him and didn't want to seem weird about it so she kept quiet. She wasn't sure how he would have responded anyways. The boy hadn't talked to her in a while anyways, and she denied the hurt that caused her.

Then the boy appeared by her at lunch and they then ate together. The boy asked her if she could come to his game tomorrow night and she agreed to go. The girl was super excited and couldn't wait to spend time with the boy. Maybe she thought she would find her chance to tell him everything. The boy hugged her at the end of lunch and she ended up going to his game the next night.

The boy started the conversation the girl had always wanted to have but had been waiting until they were both fully ready. The boy told her that the reason he would get angry was because she gave her time to these boys who have never cared for her as much as he had and does. The girl had to hold tears back while they were driving home. The girl was not sad but was deeply touched by the things he was saying to her, he was so sincere and sweet. They continued the conversation and the girl knew within the next couple days she could tell him... it was finally time. The boy turned on music and they laughed and smiled the rest of the way home as the boy rapped to his Ipod.

As the girl and the boy walked to her front porch, well actually the boy carried her and tickled her along the way, the girl realized she wanted him to kiss her. She stood there hugging him not wanting to let go. This was the boy who had never left her side...she knew soon very soon everything would be revealed between them. She hoped in a short while he would finally be her boyfriend because after all these years they were both ready...she was ready.

The boy began texting her having the conversation they needed to have about starting a relationship. The girl couldn't even begin to explain how she felt. Her heart beat faster her face hurt from smiling and she knew that finally they would have their shot at being together.

Then the boy changed his mind. He still liked her but he told her how sometimes situations can change. The girl knew it was an admirable reason and it was cause the boy cared but it didn't make hearing it any easier. The girl began crying so hard. She had waited all this time for this?! The girl couldn't even believe what she was reading and seeing.

Yes the girl had changed parts of her past and struggles brought a long a bit more baggage, but she had confided in the boy and he had been understanding and even able to relate on some things. He had made her feel like a treasured jewel, and now he no longer wanted to be with her.

The girl sat on her bed at 1am unsure of what to think or feel. The girl confided in a few good friends and decided she was ready for everyone to know she liked the boy. The girls friends hugged her and said it was his loss some gave her chocolate. But the girl could not receive comfort in the words of those around her. The girl saw the boy in the hallways and when the boy was around  the girl hugged the boy and once again neither wanted to let go.

The girls' heart hurt because she had finally admitted to what had been there all along. Now the boy didn't want it. The girl was confused and hurt but she felt no anger towards the boy...she felt her heart attached to his.

Now as the girl sits here and writes this down many emotions go through her. The girl smiles at the little boy she met years ago. She laughs at the silly memories. She feels care and concern for the boy in his daily life. She feels pride in seeing the amazing man he is turning out to be. She feels happiness when he is around her. She can close her eyes and see all the memories she cherishes. She closes her eyes and remembers his tight loving lift you off the ground hugs. She cries because she fears all that she ever waited for is lost for good. The girl feels her heart beat whispering his name every time.

 Lastly the girl hopes that her and the boy who has always been there, respected her, made her laugh, and picked her up and dusted her off will get that chance to finally stand side by side facing the world. The girl wonders..what will happen as the girl whispers hoping he knows, feels, and hears....I am being truthful to you...deep down I always have thought of this chance...and deep down I always knew it would be you I wanted to end up with.

The girl lifts her head up as she finishes her last few words. The boy will always be her friend the person she can easily confide in...but now it's all out in the open the girl has made herself transparent. She has nothing more she can do...but let the boy know it was always going to be you...


 

What is really underneath...

No one really ever understands the emotions and feelings that often are underneath the surface. A smile can hide a thousand tears and eyes may be the window to the soul but they can deceive too. An outgoing and happy attitude and personality can mask the self loathing and insecurities hidden inside. Laughter is the greatest defense against crying so hard you can't breathe. That fun fashion style you have may just be there to mask what is hidden beneath all the clothing and so no questions are asked. The sad thing is when everyone looks at me they never see what is really underneath.

Growing Up standing for your own views

You get to a point where you no longer take everything you are told and taught for the only answer. You learn how to question and investigate things for yourself. Instead of maintaining a shallow and restricted view you instead have broadened your understanding of your world view. You read and study and learn how to explain your own reasoning's and why you stand behind what you do. This can be basically anything which presents a controversial aspect or view.

For example take the tattoos and piercings argument whether it is sinful or okay. I say if you want a tattoo don't make it unwholesome but go for it, and if you want a lip ring or something alright that's fine too. Now people especially what I view as those who want 'cookie cutter Christians' and think in the 'Americanized Christian' way would say I am completely wrong. Their support almost always taken from Leviticus. Well I can give a counter argument for that Leviticus source. It's Old Covenant not New Covenant. When Jesus came he established a New Covenant want to know about that try reading the new testament, I especially suggest focusing on Jesus' teachings directly and also read Romans. Leviticus was written to the Jews for that time frame under the old law...I am not a Jew I am not from that time frame and I am under the laws given to us through the grace of Jesus.  Not just that point but if you read further in Leviticus right around that very area where it is stated there are many laws which we do not follow anymore. How can you okay picking and choosing verses you can't! If you go about things in that way then the very foundation and holy aspect of the scriptures can be undermined. Because of studying on my own and finding those conclusions I now will gladly support tattoos and piercings, you aren't going to Hell for it and you aren't disobeying any command from God.

Did I always think that way? No I didn't. A big reason was because I was always more than willing to simply listen to whatever I was taught. I now jokingly call it being 'brainwashed'. Not questioning led me to at one point in my life frown upon anyone who swore, wanted tattoos, had piercings, or in some cases were what would be considered 'unchurched' or 'dirty'. That view minimized my ability to reach out to people and have as great of an impact on today's society. My Christian school, and many other Christian influences shut me down whenever I bring up these controversial issues, so instead I turned to my own researching and studying.

The traditional view that is held by many Christians today. or what I refer to as 'Americanized Christians', I would place being in the range of late thirties through to senior citizens, is in contrast to mine. Those opinions continuing to be held in my opinion can in part be held responsible for the current condition of my generation today. This youth feels like they are viewed only as 'dirty' and being of 'lesser worth' than those considered to be 'good Christians' and 'well churched'. How do those 'good Christians' expect to ever make an impact and help those hurting in this generation if they intend to waste their time harping on them about tattoos and piercings. That becoming their main target to 'shape them into perfect cookie cutter church Christians' pushes the important issues to a back burner. They'll help answer their questions about God, or Jesus, or life in general after they fit 'their perfect mold'.

I'll be honest for a long time I agreed with what they felt was 'bad'. Now my opinion has changed and it is because of the people I met. I realized that they weren't 'bad sinners' they were people. They were hurting and looking for answers but I watched 'church people' stand back and discuss what they needed to 'fix' or 'change' first. I realized I didn't keep the same views anymore and to begin with I thought maybe I was wrong but no I've really put a lot of research into this.

So yeah I still love those people around me who may continue to keep these, in my opinion, misguided views. I am not surprised so many people hold those views because it is what the 'Americanized church' or 'Americanized Christian' has become. It is sad though especially when I see it turning people away from the church more often then changing lives for the better.

So no I don't get 'brainwashed' anymore and I don't simply accept everything without ever questioning. After all the 'Reformation' stressed the point of the people accepting whatever was taught to them because they didn't know better. Come on people wake up! We do know better we have the resources and still we blindly follow! I've grown up! Have you?

Doubting and questioning everything

Has anyone else ever reached a point where you just want to start questioning everything? Or maybe doubting everything you thought you knew?

I never thought I would be one of those people who took a step back and thought 'wow maybe I have been seeing stuff wrong this whole time'. Well I am basically at that point now.

And you know what I'm fine with it. Maybe it's time for me to start questioning people, and their motives. Maybe I need to stop giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and start telling people what I really think. Maybe what I've thought was wrong could actually be right and what I always assumed was the right thing for me to do could actually be misguided?

So yeah I may still smile and have the same 'attitude' but my eyes are open now. People don't get to just use me and know I'll be there whenever they decide they need me in their life again. From now on you make me upset you'll know it and you'll know it to your face. From now on I'm going to openly question and doubt facts and believes so prove it to me...and it better be good!

Because you know why? Sometimes in life those moments come up where you actually have every reason to question and doubt everything. I'm in one of those points now and I'm going to use every second of it to figure out where I'm actually going.

Am I still me?

I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to be strong and still maintain part of who I am. But when it comes to it i'm so scared and so lost and so hurt. It's not like this is easy. I needed my best friend back and i'm so thankful you are back. But at the same time I've changed my personality so much now it's like who am I? In a lot of ways seems I'm becoming what I always opposed. Why?
 

Cant express feelings.....

I can't even fully express the feelings I have rushing through me. I am both hurt, heartbroken, confused, yet hopeful optimistic too. I don't know where you stand still and I just keep wanting to cry and bury myself somewhere. I just can't imagine you completely regretting and pushing aside everything we meant to each other. I just wish you could read this and see into my heart....there isn't a doubt in my mind how much I love you and how we belong together. I am not going to beg you or hunt you down....I'm simply going to wait here where you left me never loving you any less and cherishing every single memory we have made and holding out hope for many many more to come. :/ I.love.you. Please don't stay gone.

I Am!
by John Clare
I am! yet what I am none cares or knows, My friends forsake me like a memory lost; I am the self-consumer of my woes, They rise and vanish in oblivious host, Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost; And yet I am! and live with shadows tost Into the nothingness of scorn and noise, Into the living sea of waking dreams, Where there is neither sense of life nor joys, But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems; And e'en the dearest—that I loved the best— Are strange—nay, rather stranger than the rest. I long for scenes where man has never trod; A place where woman never smil'd or wept; There to abide with my creator, God, And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept: Untroubling and untroubled where I lie; The grass below—above the vaulted sky.